1. Fake an interest in his esoteric, usually idiotic, obsessions. For instance, after the salads have come but before the main course arrives at the restaurant, he will say something like: “Boy, I wonder if they still make circus peanuts? What do you think?” Now, instead of giving him a snare (that’s a cross between a sneer and a stare) and saying “You’re kidding, right?” you need to say something that indicates you feel his pain at the passing of this great snack food, such as “You know, there’s an inner city corner store that you might want to try for that.” He will probably fall on his knee and propose marriage right then and there.
2. Don’t be taller than him. I don’t care if you are actually six inches taller than him, you can’t let him know that. Ever. Don’t wear high heels. Slouch. Make him walk on the curb while you walk in the street. Keep your knees bent. Going uphill, make him walk in front of you. Going downhill, make him walk in back of you. Take along a stepstool and tell him it’s a Vedic Love Gorger from India, and all he needs to do is stay on it for more pleasure than he has ever experienced before. Believe it or don’t, men fall for that kind of thing all the time. He’ll never get off of it.
3. Don’t discuss going bald. All men, from every nation, clime, and race, are worried their hair is falling out and they will soon be bald. That is why so many young ones now shave their heads bald; they don’t want you to know whether they actually have any hair or not. Male pattern baldness has wrecked more romances than cold showers ever will.
4. Eat nothing but salad in front of him. I know this is unfair; you may be perishing for a good steak and baked potato, but you can’t let him see you devour such fare. Men think of meat and potatoes as their provenance. Men are hunter/gatherers, and need all the energy that comes from a raw steak and fluffy baked potatoes brimming over with butter and sour cream, along with a dessert that features enough whipped cream and sugar to smother a grizzly. You, on the other hand, need to eat like a rabbit – nibble, nibble, nibble. This will reassure him that, if it comes right down to it, he can take you in a wrestling match should you be kidnapped by aliens and forced to fight to the death.
5. No beer, please. Men think of beer as their invention and their trademarked beverage. Order a good wine instead – it’ll cost him an arm and a leg, but he’ll be happy that you know your place, alcoholically speaking.
6. Don’t talk about your friends, your family, your job, women’s apparel, your health, your dreams and aspirations, your pet, your apartment, your hobbies, or your education. If you want a second crack at him, just keep saying “How about them Red Socks, huh?” or “Waddya think the Packers are gonna do this season?” He will not feel threatened by your superior intellect, taste, or passions, and he might even offer you a beer. If he does, you’ve got it made!
7. Give him the last bite of your cornbread muffin and he’ll follow you anywhere.
8. If you’re going to a movie, make sure you read up on it first, so you know who’s in it and what’s going on. Men abhor being asked anything about a movie while it is playing. That way, you can probably get in a much-needed nap during the film, since most men take their movies so seriously that they forget they have a woman with them. Afterwards, you’ll be able to fake some answers to his questions, and if you hint that his choice of BLOOD ZOMBIES WHO FEAST ON VIRGINS shows that he knows how to pick an Oscar winner, you can start work on the pre-nup immediately,
9. If you smoke in front of him tell him it’s because you’re nervous (not because you’re bored).
10. If he takes you to the opera on a first date he’s either fabulously wealthy or a poverty-stricken musician. To find out which, check his cummerbund; if there’s a rental tag sewn into it, he’s broke, and will always be broke. If there’s no tag, just hundred-dollar bills stuffed snugly around the seams, you have got yourself a second date, hon. Follow the above rules and don’t blow it!
About the author:
Tim Torkildson divides his time between teaching English in Thailand and working as a free-lance blogger for fashionistas such as http://bohme.com/